Poignance and intellectualism? Hell, give me a corny plot and cheesy one-liners anyday.

So I have spent most of today watching films. I admit, for a Saturday it's not exactly a 'wild' pastime; particularly as I intend to spend the rest of the evening watching a weeksworth of Desperate Housewives/Mock the Week/Qi episodes, but it worked for me. When I say 'today', what I mean is that I broke in the morning (and I do literally mean about 12.30am) by watching 3 and a half hours worth of BBC period drama, slept for a few hours and then buggered off to the cinema and remained there for the larger portion of the day.

My friend and I went to see two films; The Lovely Bones, an Oscar-nominated poignant and moving tale about a family coping with the murder of their eldest daughter, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief; a shameless Harry Potter rip-off with American teenagers, Greek gods and a pen that becomes a sword when you click it. Seriously.

We watched The Lovely Bones first, and I spent the first half tensed so tightly I still have nail marks indented in my palms, and the second half weeping like a baby, and - having been directed by Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings, King Kong) - I was tense/weeping for a LONG time. The bloke playing the murderer did a disturbingly good job (you'll never enjoy The Devil Wears Prada again) and the young Irish actress playing Suzie Salmon does a fantastic American accent. But. But, but, but. It was WEIRD! Nothing really seemed to happen for a solid hour in the middle; there was all of this surreal stuff about what happens when you die, some crying and that's more or less it. Now, some people will probably love the surreal stuff, but I do not. I get weirded out in Nanny McPhee, for Christ's sake, so hours worth of moving mountains, schizophrenic weather and a massive flower instead of a sun was not really the right way to appeal to me. There were also several moments that just irritated me. For instance, when the girl's mother, not coping with the murder of her eldest daughter, leaves her husband and two remaining children and buggers off to God knows where for a few months. I mean WHAT!?!? So your eldest daughter is murdered, and your reaction to this is to abandon your other two children to go and pick fruit in the middle of East Jesus nowhere?! Sorry, but I don't think so.

However, Percy Jackson was everything I expected; cheesy, cringey, exasperating, cliche and thoroughly enjoyable. My dad had read me a review a few days ago which absolutely slated it, and it has to be said that everything the review said was true. Yes, it was corny; nobody is pretending otherwise. Yes, it is 'emotionally unrealistic'; but it also features satyrs and Greek gods. Get a little perspective. Yes, it's a rip-off of Harry Potter, but Harry Potter is one of the highest-grossing franchises in cinema history; who wouldn't try and cash in on that? Basically, it was utter crap, but I enjoyed every second of it.

The conclusion I've come to is that people - well, people like me - don't actually want poignance, intelligence and surrealism in a film. We want cliche junk. I don't want to spend a film tense and weepy; I'd much sooner spend it laughing. We watch films, read books, listen to music, delve into stories for one reason, generally; we want to escape. Escape the mundane repetitiveness of everyday life and slip into a world that has action, comedy, romance, intrigue, cliches cheesiness and a happy ending.

So sure, The Lovely Bones is a much more 'intellectual' and arty-farty film. But, quite frankly, I'd rather watch stationary transforming into Ancient Greek weaponry.

Thanking whichever God was in charge of chocolate.

Okay, this is gonna be short, to the point and direct - namely because I was supposed to be at my friend's house ten minutes ago.

Basically, how much do we all love chocolate? I think I speak for everyone when I say, a lot. It's always there for you. Bad day at school, broken heart, night in with the girls, argument with dad, or just 'cause you feel like it. Whatever the situation, chocolate is there for you. Granted, it's not quite as good as your friends for advice, but it sure as hell makes you feel better. Well, until you realise you've just consumed 1000 calories in ten minutes flat, at which point the guilt kicks in.

So basically, if there is a God that was specifically in charge of creating chocolate (and I sincerely hope there was one), I would like to take this moment, on behalf of the female population of the human race to say one big, fat thank you.