My standard rant on Katie Price/Jordan/whatever the hell you want to call her.

Right. Katie Price. Straight to the point: why the HELL is she famous?

Possible Reason Number One: Yes, she has big boobs, but so does my Great Auntie Mildred, and she isn't plastered all over the front cover of (admittedly tacky) OK! magazine on a semi-permanent basis!

Possible Reason Number Two: She's pretty. Excuse me, have you SEEN her face!! The parts that aren't plastic are usually either covered in make-up or stretched so tightly across her poor, abused skull that any semblance of genuine human features are completely unreachable.

Possible Reason Number Three: She's intelligent. *snort*

Possible Reason Number Four: She can sing. Youtube it. Just Youtube it.

Possible Reason Number Five:.................okay, I'm stuck.

You see, the part that really gets to me is this. She isn't passionate about any of her so-called talents, because she's only using them as money-making schemes to fuel her borderline obsession with plastic surgery, boozing and partying. In particular; writing. She has either two or three autobiographies out (I can't tell you which because I refuse to type her name into Google), which is pointless for anyone under the age of forty because they just haven't had enough life to be genuinely interesting -- there's no ending to their story! And then, the novels. Well, those pathetic piles of bog-roll standard, tree-killing, wastes of paper that are apparently now regarded as genuine literary material by the British public.
I'm sorry, but that woman can't SPEAK properly, so how the hell are we supposed to believe that she churned out two freaking novels in four years! Now I have actually read the first two pages of each book (the imaginatively named Angel and Sapphire), and let me tell you -- they are utter crap. I mean, I have read my fair share of crappy books but these were in a whole new league -- and that's after some poor ghost-writer (whose name will never be known) was paid a pittance to whack the thing together as quickly as possible.
The thing is, had Jordan not already been 'famous', she would never have bothered even trying to write a book because a) she couldn't and b) she just wouldn't want to. And even if she had, publishing houses would have laughed in her face if she'd sent that piece of garbage in. And now those books are bestsellers. Because she has big boobs.

I rest my case.