Facebook Faux Pas

I am a frequent user of the social networking site Facebook, and am only slightly ashamed to admit to it. But this being the case, I am regularly forced to read the statuses of about 230 people, most of whom are my friends, some are acquaintences and none are strangers. This has led to a list of formula Facebook statuses that deserve a cyber-slap, but which are trotted out with soul-destroying frequency. So, let me introduce you to the only slightly fraudulent, top ten list of Irritating Facebook Statuses.

1. The 'Pay Attention To Me' Plea
Example: OMG that has so made me feel like crying
Well, I'm very sorry that something has upset you, but let's look at this logically. If whatever this is has upset you so much, you won't want to talk about it, and thus will be made even more miserable by people continuously asking you what's wrong and forcing you to tell them. Solution: don't broadcast your misery on the internet, because most people won't care, and the ones that do won't appreciate being told via Facebook. Clear?

2. The Unnecessarily Frequent Updates
Example: On my way to town (five minutes later) In town (two minutes later) Looking round Primark (three minutes later) Just bought some socks (ten minutes later) Greggs or Subway?
I'll make this simple. You are spamming my Homepage and annoying me. Go away.

3. The Meaningful Song Lyrics
Example: I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
Now I'm sure you understand exactly what Radiohead were thinking when they wrote Creep. I'm sure you can fully relate to it in every possible way, severe mental disorders and all, but do you think you could keep it to yourself? Cheers muchly.

4. The Deliberate Envy-Inducer
Example: OMG, David Tennant just had 600 red roses delivered to my office, plus tickets to see Take That and a handwritten love-letter.
Well now my day feels drastically inferior and rubbish, plus your arrogance levels just spiked and my liking of you plunged. Really, well played.

5. The Declarations of Love
Example: X, I miss you even though you've only been gone twenty seconds. I love you baby...
These statuses are like the cyber equivalent of Valentine's day: massive wastes of everyone's time, designed to make smug people in relationships help single people feel alienated and crappy. If your love for one another is really so deep and personal, can I ask why you're posting it on each other's wall rather than saying it to their face?

6. The Inspirational Mottos
Example: To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world.
I just threw up in my mouth.

7. The Emotion Overload
Example: X loves her girlfriends SOOOOOOOOOO much!!! Love you girlies! <3<3<3 xxxxx
It doesn't matter who posts this kind of status, I am picturing a Paris Hilton-esque, blonde, bubbly, distinctly dense and somewhat over-enthusiastic socialite with no real friends and an abundance of neediness. Facebook is best served cold, with a slice of humour and sprinkling of sarcasm.

8. The 'Why Did You Even Bother?'s
Example: X is so bored.
I don't care. Like, at all. My advice to you; get off the computer, stop trying to remind the world that you're alive, make some real-life friends and get out of the house. Fast.

9. The Ambiguous Anger
Example: Can't believe you said that to me you fucked-up mother-fucking arsehole.
I don't appreciate you splattering expletives and nonsensical anger across my Homepage and suggest that you a) calm down or b) actually speak to the person who's horrendous actions have forced you to the friendship-ending depths of posting your annoyance on Facebook. Not that spewing cyber-hate isn't going to cause them to see your status, reflect on their appalling actions and forever alter their future behaviour but, you know, you may want to come up with a Plan B.

10. The Absolute Lack of Punctuation
Example: finally got tickets to reading festival can't wait its gonna be so awesome yay for music yay for festivals like if your going to a festival this year
I am known as the Grammar Nazi for a reason, and this kind of status is more or less it. It does not matter how little I know you, if you post this kind of bilge on Facebook the Obsessive Grammar Alarm in my head will go off, I will inevitably go through each of the many flaws in your status, embarrassing myself and irritating you to considerable depths and probably forever ruining our relationship. The situation can be cleverly avoided by the sporadic inclusion of a comma or two, maybe an apostrophe or - and stop me if I'm being too crazy - a capital letter. Just think about it. All I'm saying.

Did that make me sound like an intolerant, tired cynic with obsessive-compulsive issues and a low threshold for stupidity? Funny, that.....