Philosophical Rambling

Have you ever had one of those friends who you know loves you, but you’re just not totally convinced that they love you as much as you love them? Sure, they ring you when they have a purpose, and they occasionally give you a spontaneous hug or randomly text you and say ‘Come over?’ They insist they’ll sit with you at that party tomorrow, and they link your arm on the walk home or tell you things hardly anyone else knows. They throw an arm over you at a sleepover, and they refer to you as a ‘best friend’ or say they’ve loved spending time with just you today.

But it’s a surprise. Not a big one, and not a bad one; just something pleasant that you didn’t expect.

Because you love them but you’ve come to expect frustration. When they say they’re going to come over and watch a film, you make sure you’re phone is in your pocket because you’re half-waiting for them to ring and cancel. You’re not angry or disappointed, and you weren’t convinced they were going to ditch you – it just would have been a ‘pleasant surprise’ if they hadn’t. They say they’ll come and sit with you in library because they don’t know anybody, but as soon as you spot someone you know is friends with them, you’re unsurprised when they wander off without a word. They comfort and cuddle you when you’re upset and crying, but you can never remember them telling you they were proud of you.

And none of these things affect your love for this friend. Occasionally you’ll be annoyed, or you’ll feel a bit ignored, a bit unimportant. But then they drop you a random text and you feel better again. You’re aware that insecurity over a friendship is not healthy, and you’ve already considered and dismissed the possibility that you actually fancy them (because just no).

So you just accept it the way it is. Sometimes they’ll disappoint you, sometimes they’ll infuriate you, sometimes they’ll make you feel worthless, sometimes they’ll single-handedly make your day, sometimes they’ll treat you so kindly you can’t believe you ever bore any negative emotion towards them, sometimes they’ll be the reason that night was one of the best nights of your life.

And you’ll continue stalking their Tumblr, because you know they post things on the internet they’d never say out loud. Even though you know they’ll probably never check your blog, though they know you have one, and read the most honest thing you ever wrote about them. You know that whenever you argue, you’ll be the one that comes crawling back. If they’re the wronged party then you’ll give it less than an hour before guilt and panic overcomes you, the possibility of losing them forever frightening you into calling them and making your grovelling apologies. And if you’re the wronged party, they’ll sit tight and wait for you to forgive them, unconsciously safe in the knowledge that you will forgive them – something you could never be quite sure of.

You know that it will always be that way. You’ll always feel like your friendship means more to you than them. But you’ll love them regardless, because you simply couldn’t do without them.

Have you ever had that?

Yeah, totally, me neither.