Things I Have Learned About Holland

I've spent the past few days in the Netherlands with my family and some old friends. We used to visit them every couple of years but, one way or another, this is the first time we've been to Holland in about ten years, and I learned some fascinating things whilst there. Observe.

What English people label as 'Dutch Apple Pie' is an insult to any and every Dutch baker.

There are thousands of cyclists, not one of which wears a helmet.

These thousands of cyclists have right of way, thus will zoom cheerfully in front of a 40mph car under the natural (and often misguided) assumption it will stop.

They have these biscuits called stroopwaffle which is what I now imagine the streets of heaven to be paved with.

The old ladies will not thank you, look at you, or even acknowledge your existence if you pick up their crutch for them.

Their version of Harrods is called De Bijenkorf and means 'The Beehive', which is a much better name than Harrods.

Prostitution is legal and not only do they not bother hiding the Amsterdam Red Light District, you can buy fridge magnets with it's name (and naked ladies) on.

Cannabis cafes are also legal, but only in Amsterdam, not the rest of Holland.

You have to join a REALLY long queue to see the Anne Frank House. And it's worth every second.

Amsterdam's canals are also Amsterdam's sewers. Swim at your own risk.

Poffertjes are NOT 'just like pancakes' and you will be VERY VERY UNPOPULAR if you suggest otherwise.

When they say that 'walking to the top of that tower won't even break you out in a sweat', they lie.

The weather is only slightly better than England's.

If you use the words 'butty', 'cob' or 'sarnie' in relation to a sandwich, you will confuse people. (That probably applies to all foreign countries, and probably large portions of England, actually...)

They drive on the right hand side, and do so in a slightly maniacal fashion.

They're really tall.

It is very, very flat.

If the entirety of the USA was as environment-friendly as Holland, there would be no global warming problem.